A few months ago I moved closer to my place of work. I knew of a neat occult store in the area and went to visit back in October. The place has lots of cool stuff like crystal balls, incense, candles, costumes, tarot decks, you name it. A real one stop shop for your esoteric needs. At the back of the shop was a literature section where a few years ago during a previous visit I picked up a copy of Anton LaVey's Satanic Bible. I've had a budding interest in the occult since 2019 and figured the book would be interesting. After reading through it, I found I didn't really like LaVey's philosophy. I would have to go back and re-read the book to give finer points on that stance. Regardless, in this more recent visit, I picked up yet another book from the back shelves and this one has proven to be far more in line with my interests and personal philosophy. This new book is "This is Chaos" by Peter Carrol.
Back in 2019 when I was working at a summer camp, the program director shared his external hard drive so we could copy the movies and books he had saved over the years. Part of that drive was a collection of books and PDFs about occult subjects, including Peter Carrol's Liber Null and Psychonaut. That, along with Bluefluke's "The Psychonaut's Field Manual", were my entry points into the world of Chaos Magic. I've found myself drawn to this particular subset of occultism due to its frequent parallels with my own observations of the mind and spirituality. It's been a fun journey to explore its philosophy and build up my own model of beliefs in tandem with reading and learning more about the paradigm. Though I more frequently engage with the concepts of chaos magic intellectually than practically, I do believe it works and have had my own experiences to reaffirm that belief. The "true" method through which it works, whether neurological or actually spiritual, do not really matter once results begin to show themselves.
Anyways... This is Chaos is a collection of essays from a multitude of chaos magic practicioners who come from many different backgrounds and approaches to the craft. I have thoroughly enjoyed chapters 3, 6, and 7 and have already begun grafting ideas from them onto my mind. Chapter 6 in particular goes into the theoretical relationships between spirits and archetypes, and parts of it have already inspired great change in my life. For a very long time I have considered myself to have issues with using weed and alcohol and have wanted to reduce how frequently I imbibe. It has been an ongoing struggle in my life. Recently I had gone through this book and found that chapter, which speaks at length of the effectiveness of pursuing one's Self Myths in order to enact change in yourself and those around you. In fact, much of my success in finding a job and making progress in my life last year was powered by that pursuit. Back in mid December I actually switched positions at work to something that will eventually lead to very good opportunities, but I was facing a problem. I had essentially achieved what my previous self myth was about. While I had made significant progress in my life, I am still not satisfied with where I am. Due to multiple factors and situations I'm in, my goal of being at peace with my life was still out of reach. Attaining this self myth had only gotten me so far, and I needed a new goal or future to believe in. So recently, knowing this, I have been in search of some inspiration.
Last week I stepped out of my usual comfort zone (which more often than not is getting high and wasting time on my computer) and went to a furry rave. It was the first rave I've ever attended, and also the first furry event I've attended. I've been in the fandom for a long time and like to draw furries as well, but never got out to something like this before. I knew I was in need of some relief, to let loose after spending such a long time masking at work. It was an awesome evening and I had a great time. I felt safe and surrounded by people I shared a genuine connection with, which is not something I've really come across before apart from the summer camp I worked at previously. An actual community, of real people, that I was participating in and wanted to be there. It's on that dancefloor I found my next personal myth. These are the people I care for and want to build connections with. Most certainly not the mass of grey depressed office workers I'm forced to spend most of my waking hours around. I do not live for those people.
Consequently, in line with what I've been learning from This is Chaos, this past week I've been focusing hard on pursuing that new self myth/Higher Self. I haven't smoked since last Saturday, which is the longest streak I've had since the beginning of 2024. It's embarrasing to admit but it's the truth. I also started going for two walks each weekday, one on my lunch break and one after I get home. To offset the imsomnia caused by weed withdrawl, I've been getting in bed earlier, usually between 8:30-9pm. These are fairly simple but effective methods to improve my physical and mental health. I do very much hope I can keep it up. There are many pitfalls along the path of recovery.